When/Then

I have all these logical beliefs which - while smart and seemingly true - inevitably get in my way. Here's to dismantling my When/Then statements so I don't continue to stumble over them.

I have been operating for a long time under a series of believable – but not quite helpful – beliefs.

I call this particular set of beliefs When/Then statements. They go like this:

When I have more work, then I’ll be able to pass more work to others.

When I have had sufficient impact through coaching, then I can focus more on writing.

When my kids are both older and more independent, then I can find time and space for myself.

The idea of limiting beliefs is likely familiar to you – as it was to me. Limiting beliefs are beliefs that prevent us from getting what we want. Typically, they show up in a formulation like “I can’t…”, “I’ll not…”, “I’m never…” or “It’s not possible that…” After years of coaching, I’m reasonably good at sniffing these out and inquiring whether they’re actually true. What surprised me about my when/then statements, however, was the clever disguise these limiting beliefs took. They just seemed so reasonable. It wasn’t that I would never have what I wanted, there were just some roadblocks in the way, right? Intellectually, I knew I might be limiting myself, but weren’t all these when/then statements so incredibly correct?

Each of the logical leaps that make up a when/then statement are individually reasonable. And, in my experience of the world, each of those statements can be mostly true. From a logical perspective, it’s hard to argue that my when/then statement was technically wrong. This is why when/then statements are so pernicious; they are a limiting belief cloaked in logical reasonability.

But, as beautifully explained in the work of Byron Katie, what matters less is the technical truth of these statements. What matters more is how I find myself operating when I believe these statements to be true.

For example, when I believe my kids need to be older and more independent for me to find time and space for myself, I find myself making a rational but depressing set of choices. I deprioritize investing in myself, putting all my discretionary energy into work and family. I don’t even look for the time that might be there. I fail to make use of the drips and drabs of time that do come my way. And I notice myself calcifying into a posture of artificial, unnecessary self-sacrifice.

Altogether, my when/then statements prevent me from thinking more creatively about what’s possible. They delimit my options. They don’t leave space for surprise, serendipity, or exceeded expectations. When I sign myself up for when/then thinking, I let a seemingly reasonable argument prevent and delay me from getting what I want.

After all, why would I wait to find a better balance? Why can’t I do that now in small ways? Like finding time to write? Or taking a walk? And, even more radically, what if, instead of needing my kids to be more independent for me to have more space, me taking space was exactly the thing that enabled them to be more independent? What if, despite my clever logic, I was getting the causality all wrong? 

Finding freedom from our when/then statements isn’t easy. Our brains run with confirmation bias – the inclination to find data in our lives which supports our in-going assumptions. As such, it’s easy for me to find lots of supporting evidence of why creating space is, indeed, hard to do. On the other hand, it takes work – effort, creativity, and a willingness to step beyond logic – in order to free ourselves from the logical when/thens we’ve decided are true.

In reality, there are probably few when/then statements that hold up to open-minded scrutiny. There are very few moments at which a binary switch flips and a potential reality goes from totally impossible to fully possible. There isn’t really a ‘when’ time and a ’then’ time. Instead, there’s always some slipperiness in the system. By positing when/then statements, you’re robbing yourself of movement towards what you actually want.

So, here’s to new freedom and to bravely bringing the future closer to the current moment.

SOURCES AND RESOURCES
Byron Katie has inspired much of my reflection on beliefs – and may be useful to you as well.  If you’re interested in going deeper here, I suggest starting with her “One Belief at a Time” worksheet here. 

This post was originally published on Meredith’s Substack, The Intentional.